I like to consider myself a reasonably open-minded, live-and-let-live kind of guy. I figure, if Noah Baumbach, whose films as a writer-director I like a good deal, wants to play patron to Joe Swanberg, a filmmaker I consider pretty much to be a supurrating wound on the face of cinema, that’s pretty much his business. And if Noah Baumbach, when asked by the Criterion Collection to interview both André Gregory and Wallace Shawn for a supplement to the company’s release of My Dinner With André, decides to fold those interviews into a kind of film that contains a rather awful lot of extreme closeups of…Noah Baumbach, well, as long as I’m getting to hear Shawn and Gregory speak, I can live with that. And if Noah Baumbach wants to have the aforementioned Mr. Swanberg as part of his camera crew for the shooting of the aforementioned interviews, well, that would probably have been okay, as I would only have become aware of it upon reading the end credits of the supplement, whereupon I could reflect bittersweetly about a world in which Joe Swanberg is permitted to breathe the same air as André Gregory and Wallace Shawn.
But to actually place Swanberg himself in the supplement is, I believe, taking things a little bit too far. I had no expectation that a revisitation of Louis Malle’s wonderful 1981 film would eventually entail such a thorough sullying of my consciousness. As David Byrne once sang, “I’m mad, and that’s a fact.” So I turn to you, my loyal and brilliant readers. Lighten my load by making me laugh. Come up with a really funny caption for this screen cap of Swanberg shooting Shawn, and leave it in the comments. Myself, and a small panel of friends who also don’t have much use for the auteur of Butterknife, will determine the funniest one. The sole (as in “there can be only one”) winner shall receive, upon its release, a sealed copy of the aforementioned new and largely quite wonderful Criterion disc of My Dinner With André. I will accept submissions until twelve noon Eastern Time on Saturday, June 6. And I will get the ball rolling with my own caption for the shot, which is, “Hey, I think I’ve seen this guy on Gossip Girl.”
Go to it, comrades.
UPDATE: Well, an interesting experiment, let’s say. As per the deadline stipulated above, comments are now closed, so no further entries will be accepted. The winner will be announced Monday, alongside ruminations on my lowering the level of discourse and The Meaning Of It All.
Hiptard auteur Joe Swanberg, is wondering when he gets to shoot Wallace Shawn’s pointless, boring, joyless, sex scene.
Mr. Shawn’s reaction? “That’s inconceivable!”
Can we do more than one? Hope so.
Joe Swanberg (seen here left) seems confounded by a new development; adults speaking about interesting things in front of his camera.
SHAWN: I know that you know that Joe Swanberg cannot, in reality, operate a camera or create any sort of watchable film, so I clearly cannot look at the camera in front of me.
BAUMBACH: BUT! Joe Swanberg is from Chicago, home of former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, and as such cannot be trusted! Therefore, you must choose the camera in front of YOU.
SHAWN: Indeed! However, We both know that no one can withstand the effects of being in the same room as Joe Swanberg for more than—
SHAWN falls over, dead.
BAUMACH: I’ve spent the last several years of my life building up an immunity to Swanberg. I’ve seen “LOL” more than once, so it’s pretty much cake from there.
Joe Swanberg’s thinking:
“Hey, I’m sure I can hear Rex from Toy Story in here somewhere. Maybe he’s under the table with Woody and Mr. Potato Head. When this stupid interview’s over I’ll give him some candy and we’ll be best friends.”
NEW YORK – Joe Swanberg and Noah Baumbach (at left) moonlight for the court, filming depositions for extra cash. Wallace Shawn, noted pedestrian and talker, has been charged with vehicular manslaughter. Swanberg, parroting Baumbach, tells us this is his “dream gig” as the two younger men hope to fold the deposed interview, among others, into a current project on, you guessed it, wrongly accused vehicular manslaughter defendants with a predilection for good food and lengthy chats and young girls getting naked.
At that moment, Joe Swanberg realized he could film himself having dinner with Greta Gerwig and release it as his next film. “Pfft, that hack Louis Malle would never get Wallace Shawn to jerk off in front of the camera,” he thought.
“Hmmm, how ’bout a series called Old American Bodies?”
Luke Wilson’s interview in preparation for his remake of Andre was not off to a great start. For a couple reasons. His choice of cinematographer for one.
“Are you sure this is how Billy Bitzer got his start?”
I know, Wallace, I know. But the camera’s not even plugged in, so just try to ignore him.
Swanberg: “While Kenny re-chubs his hard-on for me, I’ll just continue actually working.”
“He’s still behind me, isn’t he?”
Glen, man, I know that this really annoys you, but doesn’t this add to the worst part of the internet? Frequently the comments section of any post offers the very lowest form of discourse. To actually encourage vitriol, superiority, and condescension seems not only unnecessary, but irresponsible. Making this kind of post results, as you can see, in a bunch of smug comments. Why do we need this? How is this good? How does this not simply lower the level discourse even further than usual?
And yet, in spite of all the moral superiority, your comment stands as the most smug, vitriolic, and condescending of the bunch. Not to mention the most useless. And, since all the poster’s here are infantile (by your definition), what does this say about you?
And comments sections on posts offer a low form of discourse? Obviously you haven’t visited my very favorite movie blogs (Some Came Running at or near the top of that list) too frequently.
Even if Rebecca has a point, I want that DVD, so…
SWANBERG: “This is the most opulent film set I’ve ever seen!! Look at the size of this place!”
“He’s still behind me, isn’t he?” is pretty tough to beat.
Since all I can think of are Princess Bride references too (a simple “Inconceivable!” was my first and only thought), I’m going to vote for bill’s at 9:00AM, though Rebecca’s has a certain dadaist charm since it’s clearly the product of some kind of concern troll spambot.
“A celebrity! Don’t look at his famous wang!”
“I think I remember you, Noah – but who’s the clown behind the camera?”
Wallace Shawn tries not to panic after remembering that “Punk’d” was canceled in 2007.
SHAWN: “Young man, you don’t have any ear phones in, how on earth will you be able to assess the correct sound levels?”
SWANBERG “Listen, Wally, just try not to speak too clearly, okay?”
BAUMBACH “…”
*whistles the first bars of ‘Hey You’*
Rebecca: I understand your objections, I’m not particularly annoyed by them. But I think my readers can distinguish tongue-in-cheek tone from actual vitriol—I would hope phrases such as “a thorough sullying of my consciousness” might show my hand, despite the fact that I do genuinely dislike Swanberg’s films. And I think the comments have thus far been in keeping with the tongue-in-cheek spirit. The only real vitriol so far has come from a Swanberg defender. (Which, I admit, pleases me no end.) So let us have our fun. I hope you’ll find the post directly above this one to be more genuinely edifying.
Granted, as a Swanberg defender, enthusiast, and, dare I say it, internet-friend, I should recuse myself from participation. After all, the guy was nice enough to be in my movie Son of a Seahorse, (plug) COMING LATER THIS MONTH ON DVD. Visit turtleneckfilms.blogspot.com for updates! (/plug)
But, as Bill said, boy, I’d like to get my hands on this dvd. So, here’s my meager attempt to jump into the fray. Ahem:
Swanberg. Criterion. Apocalypse.
BAUMBAUCH: This is the girl.
SHAWN: Seriously? You really want me to hire this Swanberg kid?
BAUMBACH: THIS IS THE GIRL.
FAMOUS FIRSTS IN THE HISTORY OF FILM: Joe Swanberg discovers the tripod!
JM…I like it.
——————–
BAUMBACH: “So, the guy taking the picture of us right now is Eggers. He’s going to be constructing the book of the film. Waiting out in the hall is Wes with a handheld camera, playing a paparazzi type – here’s your outline of that scene…just improv. I can’t tell you about the next couple of things after that because your reaction would be spoiled. I can tell you we finally end up on a soundstage where there’s a giant asshole that we all disappear up.
SHAWN: Brilliant! Envelope-pushing!
Baumbach: Uh-huh and how did that partnership come about?
Shawn: Well, I met Louis, originally-
Swanberg: Noah! Wallace hang on. Dude, do you want like a rack focus between the question and answer… you know, to really emphasize the difference in the dynamic between interviewer and interviewee?
Baumbach: Hey Joe, just… no… okay, thanks. Sorry Wallace you were saying?
Shawn: Well Louis was-
Swanberg: Dude, check it out. I’ll dolly in slow-
Baumbach: You’re on a tripod.
Swanberg: Yeah but I got a dolly in the van, or check it out, we crane in on you and then we stay on sticks for Wallace. You know, really show how profound your questions are… you know?
Baumbach: Joe… god damn it… what the… where the fuck are you gonna get a crane?
Swanberg: Oh you want it?
Baumbach: No, I don’t fucking… what are you…
Shawn: Are we gonna do this or not?
Swanberg: Yeah, I guess it’d be tough… but dude, check this out… I call the fire department and have tell them there’s a fire here… then when they raise the ladder, I’ll get out there with the camera and have them direct me in… and Bam, we have our fuckin’ crane shot, right brah?? Oh and check this shit out, they might not come, like with a ladder, cause there’s no fire or whatever, but dude, let’s set the wall on fire behind Shawn to really emphasize… HOLY SHIT! To emphasize his burning desire to deliver a quality interview. WOW! Dude. WOW! Oh my god, then I corkscrew off of the crane and we steadicam a chase down the hall with some fuckin’ vampire monkeys and that shit would be OFF THE HOOK!!! They could be a metaphor for the way the audience of ANDRE is always trying to suck you dry, like we are in this interview, you know, sucking old boring stories out of you and then when they fuckin’ whip you with their tails, that’s like society trying to enslave your memories, man. You know? I mean, they’re gonna eat you, the monkeys… they have to. Otherwise we don’t really devour your presence. But once they eat you, then we feel both like we’re inside and like you’re inside us. Like a some sort of sexual cannibalistic figure eight, you know? Turn it on its side and it’s an infinity symbol and… that’s perfect. We eternalize this shit! Holy fuck, man! AND… check it out… AND… We don’t even need to CGI it. Why? Cause I’ve GOT the fuckin’ vampire monkeys down in my van.
(Nobody says anything for a full minute.)
Shawn: Can you go get them?
(Swanberg leaves. Shawn and Noah don’t know what to do.)
Shawn: How long do we have?
Baumbach: He doesn’t have a van.
(Silence)
(Baumbach gets up and presses record on the camera)
Baumbach: So…
Shawn: Well I met Louis on the set of Atlantic City, I had a small role-
[Fade out]
“I was beginning to realize that the only way to make this evening bearable would be to ask Joe to see his penis. Seeing Joe’s penis always relaxes me.”
Swanberg distinguished himself from his contemporaries when he started the groundbreaking “Lispcore” movement in 2009.
“After this, we’ll all trade cartigans and make a feature film about the moral confusion it causes.”
On the set of Joe Swanberg’s remake of “The Maltese Falcon”, with Shawn reprising Sidney Greenstreet’s classic role and Noah Baumbach as Sam Spade.
“If we move the table in front of that doorway over there, I’ll be able to shoot his dick.”
“Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat.”
“Let’s see some titties. I’m Joe Swanberg, bitch.”
The Squid, the Whale, and the Douchebag.
“It’s just skin, Wallace. Why are you being so frigid?”
Sorry, but all the best dick jokes have been taken.
“Oh, Joe? We met at a Chris Eigeman mixer.”
GUY IN THE SWEATER: Hey, wasn’t I supposed to be cast in a late Bresson film, not this mumblecore thing?
Although I have to admit, “This is the girl” is funnier.
Glenn, please post a photo of yourself, I’d love to have a stab at this caption thing.
“Hey baum baby, couldn’t we put some skimpy shorts on this chick and get a move on. I like to hear people stammer as much as the next guy but you’re cutting into the fifeteen minutes I’d designated for the pre, pro, and post production of my next twelve films.”
“So, Wally, you’re cool for the beads and the cream pie. That’s great. Can you stand up, let us take a look at that lovely combination?”
Because it’s both concise and hilarious, and works on two levels, Josh’s ““If we move the table in front of that doorway over there, I’ll be able to shoot his dick” gets my vote.
BAUMBACH: “Swanberg is fine but he’s not a serious guy, he’s a philistine.”
After the session Joe, a man on a mission, proposed a remake of Ice Cube’s seminal classic ” Boyz in tha Hood” starring Shawn as a grizzled street denizon named Snoopy.” Joe’s a wonderful fella“beamed Shawn” certainly His finger is on the pulse of the myopia of today’s youth. but can he do street?” . Baumbech however seemed intrigued.…
I want to win so very badly, but Josh’s IS pretty good.
Shawn: What’s with the permanent grin? It’s like he’s leering at me. Noah, why is this guy here? Is he even housetrained?
Baumbach: (sighs) He’s harmless. It’s…it’s a long story.
Swanberg: (thinking to himself) Man, do these guys ever shut up?
How about these:
Get Thee Behind Me Satan
Noah’s Lark
Swan Schlong
Swanberg pretends to listen as he ponders a way to get his penis into the shot.
“Spell, homunculus”
Not to influence the competition or anything, but I’d suggest to further posters that, as much as I enjoy a good cheap schlong joke, at this point I’d say we’re above quota. Almost feel bad for the guy. Did Vincent Gallo have to put up with this kind of thing?
I don’t know if Scott Collette’s little one-act play qualifies as a caption, but it’s the funniest thing that’s been written here so far, by a pretty wide margin.
Face it kid, this is the only work you’ll ever have in the Criterion Collection.
“Okay you guys nailed the talking. Let’s reshoot the sex scene”
“Joe and I were…ahhhh…wondering.…ahhh…if we could possibly… like.…you know shoot you and your wife in your underpants????”
Even though I joined in the fun, I’m starting to feel really sorry for this Swanberg kid.
Oh snap, commenter #1 had the same thought as me. This post rules anyway.
I came up with my schlong joke and was disheartened to find all the other ones before it. I think it deserves its own consideration nonetheless! (as I ponder the criterion My Dinner With Andre and drool…)
Wallace Shawn stares incredulously at Noah Baumbach seconds after Andre Gregory stormed out of the room. Ostensibly there to discuss My Dinner with Andre, Baumbach instead offered to produce a web-only series to be directed by Joe Swanberg, in which Shawn revisits his Cosby Show character, Jeffrey Engels. Entitled “90 Degree Engels,” the Swanberg-helmed series would also star Philippe Garrel as Heathcliff Huxtable, Andrew Bujalski as Theo, and Greta Gerwig as Rudy. Gregory left angrily after it was suggested he play Claire Huxtable in drag.
My above quota, good(maybe?) cheap(definitely!) schlong joke offerings include:
“The tabletop wasn’t the only thing hard.”
“Joe Swanberg ponders jerking off on Noah Baumbach’s head.”
“Joe Swanberg wants residuals for his penis. Just because it didn’t have a “speaking part” didn’t mean it wasn’t in the scene.”
“Joe, is that your video camera? Or, are you just happy to see me?”
“Let’s hope this is all Joe shoots today!”
“Are you now or have you ever been a homunculus?”
“For the first and last time, Swanberg’s filmmaking meets a basic Criterion.”
@Glenn
Yeah, he did. Hell, he still does. He tried to sell his sperm on eBay. What amazes me is Chloe Sevigny has managed to finally live it down, one of many things “Big Love” did for her. Although admittedly now instead of blowing Vincent Gallo, everyone looks at her and thinks “I saw you fucking Bill Paxton.” I’m torn as to whether this is an improvement.
“Joe makes love to the camera from behind.”
Most directors keep a portable library of film-theory texts on set for reference.
Mr. Swanberg mutters to himself. “Mise-en-scene, mise-en-scene, come on Joe! Get it together. Mise-en-scene.”
I got one!
“Glenn Kenny, unable to find a paying writing gig participates in a glossier version of a Joe Swanberg movie called ‘The Girlfriend Experience.’ After that fizzled, and unable to pick a fight with David Poland over ostensibly a “yo momma” joke that Kenny took to heart, he retreats to his own blog to yet again, bizarrely attack a young filmmaker who has made a crappy webshow called ‘Butterknife’ that Kenny was apparently forced to watch ala Alex in ‘A Clockwork Orange.’ Shortly after said blog entry, C. Mason Wells moved into Glenn’s extra room to help pay the rent and sit around stewing about Joe Swanberg hhich is what people with no jobs and way, WAY too much time on their hands do in Park Slope.”
Do I win?!?!
No, Don, you do not. But thanks for playing! I must say I’m consistently moved by your loyalty to old Joe, which extends so far that it compels you to slag people who aren’t even germane to to the larger argument presented by this post, which is that Joe Swanberg has about as much of a legitimate reason to show his face in a “My Dinner With André” supplement as I have to perform with the Merce Cunningham Dance Company. Which I imagine could be something even you might be compelled to admit, were it not for your reflexive defensiveness.
Boy, I am SO not buying your DVD now, dude.
Duuude.….you pwned me! I’ll get you a DVD screener though…you’re gonna need that $13.
As for my loyalty, Joe is a friend and he’s secretly a nice guy, workaholic who deserves none of your vitriol. But whatever. I will add that I highly doubt Joe edited the piece and stuck his face in it. Nor do I think Baumbach had a heckuvalot to do with editing it. If they did in fact edit it and made it their own little “face time” assignment, that is lame much like Ratner throwing himself in the mix in that John Cazale doc. Ugh. But just because Joe showed up in that DVD extra doesn’t mean “he” did it and all this looks like is further proof of your crazy Swanberg hate obsession. Whatever gets you through the day man, seriously.
But what point is logic when there’s hate to spread! Joe should have never, ever agreed to film that DVD extra or let Baumbach take him under his wing or film that SNL digital short. Dude, should do nothing. Ever. Make his crappy DV shorts for free and stab anyone who supports him in the eye.
Now, as for Soderbergh’s foray into Mumblecore.…..
“Now, as for Soderbergh’s foray into Mumblecore.…..”
I can’t say how “mumblecore‑y” that film is, as I haven’t seen it yet, but I seem to recall that there’s quite a few films and filmmakers Glenn likes who have been saddled with the dreaded “M” word. It’s just that Joe isn’t one of them.
Now, while you and I might disagree with Glenn’s assessment of Joe as both a filmmaker (recall my response to Glenn’s post over at sonofaseahorse.blogspot.com) and a person (to paraphrase the immortal Ben Affleck, Joe Swanberg is a gentleman and a prince; and I’ll never have anything bad to say about the man who got me back into making films and was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule to appear in one), I don’t think the Soderbergh-Mumblecore angle and the implicit notion that our host is somehow being hypocritical– a notion which, IIRC, you’ve actually brought up at least once before in these parts– is really a good place to be arguing from, even in jest, given his praise of– again, IIRC– Katz, Audley, and Mutual Appreciation.
@Don: I kid, sir, I kid. I will happily buy your DVD. I can still afford it.
I’m so used to unidentifiable people scrapping tooth and claw in comments sections that I’m not sure what to do with this inverted internet where people with identifiable names and real careers make the troll-esque posts (don r lewis, 6/4/09 11:44 pm). Unless I’m much confused, this breaks one of the basic laws of trolling.
Shawn: “I think I’ve got something in my eyeline. No, wait a minute, nevermind.”
Retarded nymphomaniac wanders in on smart people talking and slaps at a camera like a baboon before being shot in the heart with a poison dart. Shawn and Baumbach wait hours before checking the Swanberg heart, finally going over, ripping it out and drinking the blood in wine glasses while discussing a silent ritual in the plains of Maine for an hour and a half.