As no less a personage as Mr. Kevin Smith recently pointed out to me in an interview, humor is really fucking subjective. So when judging the entries for the first, and last, “Some Came Running” contest, the sole criteria was, did it make me laugh? Okay, how much it made me laugh was also taken into consideration.
For those of you coming in late, the inspiration for the contest came as I was watching one of the supplements on Criterion’s largely terrific double-disc set of My Dinner With André. One of said supplements is an hour-long video in which filmmaker Noah Baumbach interviews the original film’s stars and screenwriters, Wallace Shawn and André Gregory. The piece is informative, interesting, and all that, enough so that the frequent close-ups of Mr. Baumbach seemed relatively tolerable rather than some upstart attempt to somehow co-opt the Louis Malle picture. Then occurred some shots of Mr. Baumbach’s camera crew, which I suppose was someone’s idea of being suitably meta, and then I saw Mr. Baumbach’s protegé, the filmmaker Joe Swanberg, in one of said shots.
Now. I am not a fan of Swanberg’s films, and I’m not a fan of Swanberg, to the extent (as I’ve stated before) that it is my sincere belief that his image belongs in anything having to do with My Dinner With André about as much as I myself belong in the Merce Cunningham Dance Company. Hence, a rash request of my readership, that they concoct funny captions for the below-reproduced screen grab from the supplement.
The author of the entry I, and perhaps one or two anonymous co-judges, found the most amusing would be gifted with a spanking-new copy of the André disc.
This solicitation was met with some disapprobation. Commenter Rebecca believed I was potentially adding to “the worst part of the internet.” Someone calling himself “kennylustsjoe” speculated that I had a “hard-on” for Swanberg that I was intent on “re-chubbing,” which speculation met with some disapprobation from My Lovely Wife. Don Lewis, who is mostly a friend of this blog but who defends Swanberg with a ferocity similar to that with which Pauline Kael stood up for Brian DePalma, protested that Swanberg’s appearance is just happenstance, saying that he doubted that Baumbach had much to do with the editing of the piece. It’s true that Baumbach doesn’t get any kind of credit at the end of the piece. Still, this struck me as grasping at an imaginary straw. But a noble effort. And “Glen [sic] is irrelevant” said…well, we’ll get to that later.
As for the entries, well, very few of them were as vindictive or vitriolic as Rebecca had feared. Penis jokes did, as it happens, abound, but that’s no surprise. As such eminences as Harvey Keitel and Ewan McGregor can tell you, if you don’t want people making wisecracks about it, keep it in your pants. The best penis joke of the bunch came from Josh: “If we move the table in front of the doorway over there, I’ll be able to shoot his dick,” which combines cheap penis humor with a trenchant observation concerning Mr. Swanberg’s sense of production design.
The best deep inside-baseball caption was Mike’s “Oh, Joe? We met at a Chris Eigeman mixer.” Obeying the directive “brevity is the soul of wit,” there were a whole bunch of zingy one-liners, the sneakiest of which was Bill’s “He’s still behind me, isn’t he?” On the opposite end of the length spectrum, Scott Collette’s one-act was pretty special.
And for all that, the one that made me almost spit up my coffee, and thus the winner of the contest, was Daniel A.‘s “Hmm, how ’bout a series called Old American Bodies?”
Congratulations, Daniel. And that is that. Almost.
Now, back to the commenter calling him or herself “Glen is irrelevant,” of the email “bully@glennkenny.com” and the url “http://www.wasteoftimebully.com,” wrote, “Glenn, please post a photo of yourself, I’d love to have a stab at this caption thing.”
Now, disregarding GII’s misapprehension of my motives (I was interested in mockery of Swanberg’s presumption more than his appearance), and his or her sloth (it’s not as if there aren’t at least a few pictures, some no doubt quite unflattering, of myself already on the internet), I figure, why not be a good sport anyway. So, below the fold, you’ll find not one but three photos of your humble correspondent, from different periods of his existence, all of them at least goofy if not mortifying. Have at them, if you’re so inclined. No prize this time (for some reason a sealed copy of Yeast struck me as potentially appropriate, but I don’t want to be overly antagonistic, and anyhow, it’s not as if I’m made of money), merely the satisfaction of getting back at an irrelevant waste of time bully. Enjoy!
PHOTO A:
PHOTO B:
PHOTO C:
On photo 3:
Glenn Kenny, reenacting the best scene from “Funny Farm”.
Photo A:
“This photo was taken shortly after Kenny was found face-down in a mountain of cocaine. Asked why he was dressed as a King, Kenny responded: ‘First joo get dee money, den joo get the power, DEN joo get the women.’ ”
Photo B:
“Now, while Kenny did not end up landing the part of Joey Jeremiah in the hit Canadian dramady Degrassi Junior High…”
Photo C:
“I swear to God, his balls were like grapefruits!”
Photo A:
“WHO IZ SEXY BEEST IN PIC-TORE!? IZ NIIICE!”
Photo B:
“Who’s Henry Hill?”
Photo C:
“Yes, but what do we do, now that we HAVE the head of Alfredo Garcia?”
Unrelated: Would you happen to know anything about Yuliya Solntseva and her body of work beyond her capacity as Alexander Dovzhenko’s wife?
Thanks for including me.
Also, photo A: When Mel Brooks chose Richard Lewis over you for Robin Hood: Men in Tights. How did you feel?
And photo B: Not a caption… but was your father Peter Coyote?
Photo B:
After his classmates super-glued a pimp hat onto his head, Glenn tried to make the best of it.
Photo C:
“On the other hand, Curly would hold the pie like this, giving him a greatly increased trajectory.”
I’m confused. A & B are clearly high school yearbook photos of Tyne Daly and Patrick Dempsey, respectively.
C might be Federico Fellini.
Photo A:
Outside the courthouse, Oscar Wilde faces the press.
A & B:
Costume fittings for Swanberg’s remake of Salo.
C:
Mr. Kenny talks about the time on the GFE set when he had to demonstrate to both the director and his young costar Ms. Gray, what tea-bagging meant.
Count me amongst those who don’t get your vendetta for Swanberg. Your caption to get the ball rolling, “I think I’ve seen this guy on Gossip Girl” is worth noting since you seem to be chiding Swanberg for something that 90% of your commenters are guilty of. They simply don’t seem to know Wallace Shawn for anything outside of The Princess Bride or Clueless.
@ Chad: Okay, smart guy, YOU try working an “Aunt Dan and Lemon” reference into a caption for the picture.
I must say that cocking a snoot at my readers’ supposed intellectual shallowness is a rather roundabout way of standing up for Swanberg. But whatever works, I guess.
“something that 90% of your commenters are guilty of. They simply don’t seem to know Wallace Shawn for anything outside of The Princess Bride or Clueless.”
How, exactly, would you know this? Do you run across a lot of references to either movie on this site?
To echo what Glenn said, I think the reason why there were so many Princess Bride and Clueless references in that thread has nothing to do with not being acquainted with a wider array of wonderments of Wallace Shawn, but because those were the films that lent themselves best to captioning.
That being said, I am surprised that, given how often swipes at Joe revolve around the sexual content of his pictures, as far as I could tell no one worked in a reference to the supposed sexual prowress of Wallace Shawn’s character in Manhattan.
Also, Wallace Shawn is very winning, funny, and warm on GOSSIP GIRL. Just sayin’, at the risk of earning the further ire of “Chad” for my intellectual shallowness.
Glenn, please keep teasing Swanberg– I find it very funny.
And, in regards to what Brian said, I read an interview with Shawn where he said he loved the show and hoped to work on it a very long time – and he seemed sincere! Never seen the show, but still.
http://www.avclub.com/articles/wallace-shawn,26010
Also, a friend of mine saw Shawn at the campus boostore at UVA. My friend approached him and said that he thought Shawn was brilliant in “Vanya on 42nd Street”, which seemd to really please him. So okay, he’s maybe tired of being asked about “The Princess Bride”, too.
I personally will only and always think of Wallace Shawn as the father of Peter, Rudy’s pudgy young friend on “The Cosby Show.”
You… with your pictures and captions… lowering the discourse of the internet with your immaturity and lack of maturity and stupidity and lack of intelligence.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
http://www.criterion.com/explore/top10
Check out Swanberg’ Criterion Top 10 at the bottom.
http://www.criterion.com/explore/66
Seen this yet? Please comment…
Oh, and best penis joke? Thanks. I feel, perhaps inappropriately, honored.
@Josh and DV: Gee, thanks. For anyone who doesn’t “get” my “vendetta” against Swanberg, please explain to me how any sentient being can take in his callow, smug “pensées” on Brakhage and “Straw Dogs” and not wanna punch the guy in the face. Favorite phrase: “I finally had an outlet for all the good energy Kieslowski had given me.” Yeah, great, see ya in yoga class, pal!
Personal to Steve James: Thanks a pantload!
My favorite bits:
re: Brakhage – “it seemed like anyone could just fuck around with a strip of film and some paint and point the camera at different shiny things and make a movie. What was the point? And what could anyone possibly see in the work? Those questions are still worth asking…”
And from his intro..
“It’s worth noting that I have not seen the majority of the films in the collection…”
I hear that Faber & Faber is putting out “Swanberg on Swanberg” later this year. Should be good.
Daniel, I’m assuming that’s a photo book featuring Swanberg repeatedly trying to blow himself?
At least you’re a good sport.
I just learned on the Criterion site that Swanberg studied film at Southern Illinois University at Carbondale, same as me (I was gone before he got there). Now I kind of feel obligated to take a look at some of his work.
A.) Oh
B.) Dear
C.) God
(aka I’m bitter because I didn’t win the contest. ;-)).
PS ~ my favorites included:
1.) Matt’s “For the first and last time, Swanberg’s filmmaking meets a basic Criterion.”
2.) Bill’s “He’s still behind me, isn’t he?”
3.) Josh’s “If we move the table in front of that doorway over there, I’ll be able to shoot his dick.”
A.) “Looks like Glenn knows who Adam Lambert is afterall.”
B.) “I will continue to embarrass myself in hats for years to come.” (See: Tucson Weekend).
C.) “My wife may be lovely. Me? Not so much.”
(…did I mention I’m bitter because I didn’t win the contest?! Lol).
Pic A: “Most likely to grow up to have a hard-on for Joe Swanberg.”
Pic B: “Most likely to grow up to have a hard-on for Joe Swanberg.”
Pic C: “Prophecy fulfilled.”
@kennylustsjoe: Anonymous commenters do seem to have the biggest balls, for some reason. Pussy.
“Pussy?” Hmmm. You can jump out of “character” and call out for it all you want. But you don’t want pussy. You want what you saw brought to orgasm in Kissing on the Mouth.
Too bad we don’t believe you.
– Anonymous.