The second hour of the 82nd Annual Academy Awards

9:26: Mulligan and Saldana. Wonder what Jeff Wells is up to…

The col­or on that clip from the early Hackford short made some­body ask, “Was that a porno?” 

Colleen: “It’s the show’s way of say­ing, ‘Don’t worry, short film makers, somedey you might mat­ter too.’ ” Nice. 

Logorama wins Animated Short… Okay, I don’t even know where my pool bal­lot phys­ic­ally IS any more. Anyway, I think I set a new record for early defin­it­ive no-chance-for-recovery loss. 

Music By Prudence. I’m sure the win­ner of the Documentary Short is a dear film. Hey, is that red-headed woman actu­ally involved in the film or was she pulling a Kanye?

The New Tenants wins Live Action Short. This room full of renters erupts in excite­ment. “The honorees look nervous, they’re scared that woman’s gonna run up again…”

Ben Stiller walks out as a Na’vi. “This seemed like a bet­ter idea in rehears­al.” It’s funny because it’s true! And it’s still not that funny. 

Star Trek wins Best Makeup. The con­tin­gent of fancy boys dir­ectly behind me thinks that all the boys in that cast are hot and cute. So all right, then. 

Ooh. Look how poised Kate Winslet is.

And he’s The Dude, to flog A Serious Man. It’s weird to see clips from this in this context…because they demon­strate just how utterly out of step the pic­ture’s style is from that of stand­ard Hollywood product…

Lat’s see what some of the oth­er live-bloggers are up to…oh, wait, Dunkin Donuts is bring­ing back waffle sand­wiches! Fuck yeah!

I almost did­n’t recog­nize Rachel McAdams. Adapted screen­play is now. They’ve got the stealing-chicken scene from Precious. How hard did the pro­du­cers have to work to find a profanity-free clip from Loop?

Precious wins, provid­ing a moment of tri­umph for…Lenny Kravitz. His first in a while, so give him a break. 

A mock­ery of a sham of a trav­esty. Worse than the Boal win by sev­er­al coun­try miles. But the writer is very sin­cerely fer-klempt. And now the pro­du­cers cut to every African-American in the audi­ence, brilliant. 

9:50: Latifah strolls out, look­ing great. Colleen: “Hey, they’re play­ing the Designing Women theme!”

These two minutes of hon­or­ary awards are more edi­fy­ing and enter­tain­ing than any­thing I’ve seen in the “actu­al” cere­mony so far.

Bacall and Corman get to bow. From the audi­ence. The per­fect defin­i­tion of fuck­ing lame. Shameful.

Colleen: “And Miley Cyrus got to be on stage.”

And…Best Supporting Actress. Here’s the Mo’nique clip. I will love you, Mo’nique. 

No, I won’t.

Oh, good, Lenny Kravitz is excited again. “The performance…and not the politics.” 

Hey, what’s the Dalai Lama doing sit­ting next to Tyler Perry?

Ooh, snap, Mo’nique. I just know as you look into the cam­era that you’re shoot­ing death rays at Wells. 

Commercials. I really don’t who’s gonna buy a per­fume called “Cervical Cancer.” MLW: “At least they should call is ‘CerCan’ or some­thing.” I don’t know how long we can keep this up…

Art Direction. Avatar. A sur­viv­or of a poten­tially ter­min­al ill­ness basic­ally dares the orches­tra to start up.

Hmm. Costumes. Looks as if Parnassus is gonna get robbed AGAIN! 

Sandy Powell. Lot of awards, as Harvey likes to say.

Who else but Charlize Theron to flog Precious?

Ooh, a skit. Parodying Paranormal Activity. But instead of demons from hell..oh, nev­er mind.

Taylor Lautner and Kristen Stewart, aka Tool Academy. Where the hell does she get off, look­ing like she just smelled Godzilla’s worst fart? Around the room: “You don’t wanna be fam­ous? Then don’t be famous.”

I guess I just lost Lex G.

And here are a bunch of clips from a bunch of movies I’ve mainly seen dozens of times, you know, except for Misery and The Sixth Sense and that Twilight thing. 

What, no April Fool’s Day?

The Hurt Locker wins for Sound Editing. Hey, Rick Wakeman got an Oscar! Now, mix­ing. The thing that bores Sidney Lumet more than anything.

Locker wins again! “Bombs always win!” And James Schamus joins Rick Wakeman on stage.

Elozabeth Banks is pre­tend­ing to be Rachel McAdams. Mongo confused.

And Hour Two is over!